he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
All the doctor said was why
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
