you turned your livingroom into a bong?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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