was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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