i may or may not be watching the land before time
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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