Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
