The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Randomize
