yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
