so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
