I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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