I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
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