i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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