I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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