I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
