Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
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