He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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