I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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