when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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