rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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