Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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