the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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