I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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