ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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