Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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