Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
