Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
