dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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