Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
