I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
