i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
