Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
