OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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