dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Randomize
