I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
