And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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