How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
