My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
