I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
