im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
