Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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