I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
