He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
