why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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