I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
