I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
