I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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