I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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