After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
