And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Randomize
