i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
