if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
