Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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