I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Blow job season was short but glorious.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
