I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
