i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
